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What is truth?
Mar. 5th, 2018 09:44 pmi guess here's a happier viktor post.
I woke up saturday to see viktor had fessed up to something we've been fighting about over a decade. At some point he made up a story that he was adopted. I believed it at first because i was gullible and I trusted him. but the story never quite made sense over time.
whenever i questioned it, even in the last several years, he'd get defensive and angry. i mean, seriously, i think i posted something GRAZING the thought in lj, like, 5 yrs ago (or more recently?) and he STILL had to pop into comments and DMs like "HOW DARE YOU DOUBT, etc etc"
At any rate, he admitted it was a lie. and wanted to be accountable. and admit to other lies too.
So i was at first mad. Mad because I was, hell, im p sure i was engaged to him at the time, and he didn't call me or give me my own apology.
But we talked on the phone. And he confessed that he was never car jacked. That he never lost his memory. He did say the kitten being rescued was true. he didnt have good reasons for these bizarre lies though, which wasn't satisfying. But I guess thats okay? He said he wanted his life to be "more" or "more exciting". I dont know.
So, like, when he "lost his memory" it was just before i moved to Chicago, so 2006 i think, and I felt like he was manipulating me to stay. He said he wasn't. but i still dont know that i believe that.
At any rate, it was nice to hear that all these things I had doubted were, indeed, lies. That I was never a bad person for doubting my partner. He admitted that he had made my trust in him very shakey, that he created the problems in the relationship, and that he hadn't tried to fix them.
It got serious for a second because i started crying. It was nice to hear he hadn't tried with me. I tried so hard in that relationship. and it was what past Raye (dare I say yesteRaye) really needed to hear. He said that my emotions weren't bad, they were valid and that I wasn't overemotional
dont get me wrong, i had my own slew of faults at the time, and I was quick to bring them up, but i still cried when I got this piece of closure. He said he wished he had tried half as hard with me as he had Sam. I wonder if thats why he tried so long/hard with her, because he was so quick to give up on us.
He also said he was proud of me, which made me cry again. Maybe that's just my daddy issues coming out, but it meant a lot. I got on top of my own mental issues and I'm Really Fucking Cool.
It was a long conversation. and pretty intimate. I told Z about it that night since it felt a little too intimate to just keep to myself. and I was still crying about it.
But it was nice to get the truth. And it was nice to feel validated.
well, I'll post more later. I'm still exhausted by all this and hopefully these Emotional Moments will die down soon. I'm glad Viktor is making a point to be truthful and accountable. he hopes that maybe we'll all trust him someday. maybe we will.
I woke up saturday to see viktor had fessed up to something we've been fighting about over a decade. At some point he made up a story that he was adopted. I believed it at first because i was gullible and I trusted him. but the story never quite made sense over time.
whenever i questioned it, even in the last several years, he'd get defensive and angry. i mean, seriously, i think i posted something GRAZING the thought in lj, like, 5 yrs ago (or more recently?) and he STILL had to pop into comments and DMs like "HOW DARE YOU DOUBT, etc etc"
At any rate, he admitted it was a lie. and wanted to be accountable. and admit to other lies too.
So i was at first mad. Mad because I was, hell, im p sure i was engaged to him at the time, and he didn't call me or give me my own apology.
But we talked on the phone. And he confessed that he was never car jacked. That he never lost his memory. He did say the kitten being rescued was true. he didnt have good reasons for these bizarre lies though, which wasn't satisfying. But I guess thats okay? He said he wanted his life to be "more" or "more exciting". I dont know.
So, like, when he "lost his memory" it was just before i moved to Chicago, so 2006 i think, and I felt like he was manipulating me to stay. He said he wasn't. but i still dont know that i believe that.
At any rate, it was nice to hear that all these things I had doubted were, indeed, lies. That I was never a bad person for doubting my partner. He admitted that he had made my trust in him very shakey, that he created the problems in the relationship, and that he hadn't tried to fix them.
It got serious for a second because i started crying. It was nice to hear he hadn't tried with me. I tried so hard in that relationship. and it was what past Raye (dare I say yesteRaye) really needed to hear. He said that my emotions weren't bad, they were valid and that I wasn't overemotional
dont get me wrong, i had my own slew of faults at the time, and I was quick to bring them up, but i still cried when I got this piece of closure. He said he wished he had tried half as hard with me as he had Sam. I wonder if thats why he tried so long/hard with her, because he was so quick to give up on us.
He also said he was proud of me, which made me cry again. Maybe that's just my daddy issues coming out, but it meant a lot. I got on top of my own mental issues and I'm Really Fucking Cool.
It was a long conversation. and pretty intimate. I told Z about it that night since it felt a little too intimate to just keep to myself. and I was still crying about it.
But it was nice to get the truth. And it was nice to feel validated.
well, I'll post more later. I'm still exhausted by all this and hopefully these Emotional Moments will die down soon. I'm glad Viktor is making a point to be truthful and accountable. he hopes that maybe we'll all trust him someday. maybe we will.
