![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Dec. 30th, 2019 08:44 pmHey.
Zs new schedule, and him being sick, means I really haven't had a moment to myself all week. Thats okay, I guess, but, he's in bed early which means I can finally just write out stuff i guess.
But yeah, Christmas eve, Christmas day, Boxing day we had 0 plans. We opened presents on christmas I guess. And we saw Star Wars on Xmas eve which god. ( star wars spoilers )
I've had this conversation a lot all month, so I'll pose it here too: can atheists celebrate christmas? Is there a non-demoninational Christmas? Is santa Christian? I know most folks who are not christian would say, yes, santa and all that is inherently christian. I'm a relatively new atheist. I became one.. maybe only in the last 4 or 5 years. But I still get a tree. and I still exchange gifts on the 25th. I'd say I'm celebrating the solstice more than anything, but none of the holiday traditions really work for me. Obviously i dont want to do /nothing/, holiday gift giving is fun! But i dont want to be christian anymore. What do our holidays look like? Is there an atheist december holiday? Should we make yet another december holiday to add to the mix?
I'd been learning the radical roots of kwanzaa. Its obviously not the holiday for me, but it is inherently anti-christian, which is honestly p dope. I think all the principles are kwanzaa are cool af but i'm not going to be a mostly white person celebrating lol. thats just fucking weird and cultural apropriate-y.
So yeah: I'm an atheist at Christmastime- Now What? lol
Anyway
Z has been sick, which sucks. I got sick for a few days but bounced back quickly, while he remains sick almost a week later. I suspect that even though I work from home, I may have the better immune system.
Outside of my giftmas list, I'd like to note that I got a Switch for Xmas which is really cool! I got the new pokemon game as well so I have been playing that a lot. Its very nice and fun. It has some weird new stuff, but its also ignorable so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Saturday I went to Silks class where I struggled mightily. It had only been a week since I had last been in the gym. I have no clue why I was so weak. Afterwards, it was the Nth of Xmas and I got to get chinese with Gideon and Sarah and their pals. I'm pretty acquainted with their pals now so it gets less and less awkward. We played some jackbox.tv which was new to me, and we also did Chanukah stuff. We had gotten a TON of chinese food, but, there were latkes and oh my god i love latkes and there was lox too. Soo good! I will always be up for Chanukah if there's latkes lol
Yesterday I went to see Against Me which was the first time I had seen them. Honestly, somewhere around Reinventing Axl Rose i was like "no theyre sellouts" but it wasnt till Laura Jane came out that I came around again. I know thats stupid and honestly I'm glad I'm less rigid about what is or isn't punk. When I was younger I was incredibly elitist. I'd say I've mellowed out a little, but I still could be much better. Its actually one of my resolutions: be less rigid about what is or isnt punk lol. Anyway, I got to see Mike and Jay, they liked their presents, we had a lot of fun together. It was really nice to see them. I also probably had one beer too many and didnt drink any water. So, I was hungover all day today.
Today I still had to work, which is stupid, and it was relatively busy all things considered. But I generally made it through.
Anyway, on to the list of presents I've gotten thus far: void chicken pin, mermaid pendant, appa plush, nintendo switch w/ pokemon, dino coloring books and color pencils,
I know most folks are waxing poetic about the decade, and I'll be damned if I dont recognise myself. 2010 I was living in a Christian commune up north, still a believer and come 2020 i'm an atheist living in texas. 2010 i was still pining for an ex, 2020 i'm married and finally a little less codependent. certainly better at not staying with abusive folks. this decade had one of the worst years or my life, 2011, but 2012 was easily one of my best. So, who the fuck knows.
But 2019 fucking sucked. I hate odd numbers anyway. 2020 looks p dope and I dont think I really need to look back too much. No, I don't really care to dwell on this negative, shitty year. onward and upward.
But staying negative, since this is an online journal, I thought I had turned a corner in my Skittles grief, but I feel like im peddling backwards now. Blue, instead of being a welcome distraction, is now a reminder that he is absolutely not her. I'm back to crying every night. I know that this is just how grief is and I know I'm going to be in the rocky madness probably all next year, and I'm still allowing myself to feel it, but I sure to wish it would hurry up and stop making me feel constantly sad. Everything is a reminder now. I still find myself asking her to "just stay" or to "come back" but its obviously not realistic. she is now two small handfuls of sand. It was her time, and godsdamnit i gave her the best death I possibly could, but i still find myself dwelling in regrets, bargaining, etc. None of this matters. All of this matters.
What the hell is wrong with me? everything. everything. everything.
Zs new schedule, and him being sick, means I really haven't had a moment to myself all week. Thats okay, I guess, but, he's in bed early which means I can finally just write out stuff i guess.
But yeah, Christmas eve, Christmas day, Boxing day we had 0 plans. We opened presents on christmas I guess. And we saw Star Wars on Xmas eve which god. ( star wars spoilers )
I've had this conversation a lot all month, so I'll pose it here too: can atheists celebrate christmas? Is there a non-demoninational Christmas? Is santa Christian? I know most folks who are not christian would say, yes, santa and all that is inherently christian. I'm a relatively new atheist. I became one.. maybe only in the last 4 or 5 years. But I still get a tree. and I still exchange gifts on the 25th. I'd say I'm celebrating the solstice more than anything, but none of the holiday traditions really work for me. Obviously i dont want to do /nothing/, holiday gift giving is fun! But i dont want to be christian anymore. What do our holidays look like? Is there an atheist december holiday? Should we make yet another december holiday to add to the mix?
I'd been learning the radical roots of kwanzaa. Its obviously not the holiday for me, but it is inherently anti-christian, which is honestly p dope. I think all the principles are kwanzaa are cool af but i'm not going to be a mostly white person celebrating lol. thats just fucking weird and cultural apropriate-y.
So yeah: I'm an atheist at Christmastime- Now What? lol
Anyway
Z has been sick, which sucks. I got sick for a few days but bounced back quickly, while he remains sick almost a week later. I suspect that even though I work from home, I may have the better immune system.
Outside of my giftmas list, I'd like to note that I got a Switch for Xmas which is really cool! I got the new pokemon game as well so I have been playing that a lot. Its very nice and fun. It has some weird new stuff, but its also ignorable so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Saturday I went to Silks class where I struggled mightily. It had only been a week since I had last been in the gym. I have no clue why I was so weak. Afterwards, it was the Nth of Xmas and I got to get chinese with Gideon and Sarah and their pals. I'm pretty acquainted with their pals now so it gets less and less awkward. We played some jackbox.tv which was new to me, and we also did Chanukah stuff. We had gotten a TON of chinese food, but, there were latkes and oh my god i love latkes and there was lox too. Soo good! I will always be up for Chanukah if there's latkes lol
Yesterday I went to see Against Me which was the first time I had seen them. Honestly, somewhere around Reinventing Axl Rose i was like "no theyre sellouts" but it wasnt till Laura Jane came out that I came around again. I know thats stupid and honestly I'm glad I'm less rigid about what is or isn't punk. When I was younger I was incredibly elitist. I'd say I've mellowed out a little, but I still could be much better. Its actually one of my resolutions: be less rigid about what is or isnt punk lol. Anyway, I got to see Mike and Jay, they liked their presents, we had a lot of fun together. It was really nice to see them. I also probably had one beer too many and didnt drink any water. So, I was hungover all day today.
Today I still had to work, which is stupid, and it was relatively busy all things considered. But I generally made it through.
Anyway, on to the list of presents I've gotten thus far: void chicken pin, mermaid pendant, appa plush, nintendo switch w/ pokemon, dino coloring books and color pencils,
I know most folks are waxing poetic about the decade, and I'll be damned if I dont recognise myself. 2010 I was living in a Christian commune up north, still a believer and come 2020 i'm an atheist living in texas. 2010 i was still pining for an ex, 2020 i'm married and finally a little less codependent. certainly better at not staying with abusive folks. this decade had one of the worst years or my life, 2011, but 2012 was easily one of my best. So, who the fuck knows.
But 2019 fucking sucked. I hate odd numbers anyway. 2020 looks p dope and I dont think I really need to look back too much. No, I don't really care to dwell on this negative, shitty year. onward and upward.
But staying negative, since this is an online journal, I thought I had turned a corner in my Skittles grief, but I feel like im peddling backwards now. Blue, instead of being a welcome distraction, is now a reminder that he is absolutely not her. I'm back to crying every night. I know that this is just how grief is and I know I'm going to be in the rocky madness probably all next year, and I'm still allowing myself to feel it, but I sure to wish it would hurry up and stop making me feel constantly sad. Everything is a reminder now. I still find myself asking her to "just stay" or to "come back" but its obviously not realistic. she is now two small handfuls of sand. It was her time, and godsdamnit i gave her the best death I possibly could, but i still find myself dwelling in regrets, bargaining, etc. None of this matters. All of this matters.
What the hell is wrong with me? everything. everything. everything.
