What are you reading Wednesday?

What have you finished reading?

nothin'

What are you currently reading?

Cascade (The Sleep of Reason Book 1 by Rachel A. Rosen - This book is timeless, but it feels urgent given our political climate and... literal climate... Magic seems to be doing weird shit all over the country (this book is so canadian it hurts), and I still don't know who I should be booing or cheering (this is a good thing; all of the characters are complex). Still more than anything I'm more pulled by the eldritch horror that I haven't seen a second time yet. Maybe that is what I should be rooting for.

(no subject)

7.7lbs. We upped his steroids. They did nothing. He lost the same amount he lost 2 weeks ago. .4 lbs.

He is small. He is frail. He still gets around. It's just unfair. Eventually he will weigh even less. I imagine when he's six pounds, it'll be hard for him to get around. Once he cannot get around, or if he looks like he is in pain, it'll be time.

Still I bought some stuff. To prepare for him being gone. And then I was mad at myself. Like oh I am such a jerk for planning my cat's death. But he is going to die. He will die in a month.

His stomach cancer... his insides are just fucked. They're fucked. He can't get nutrients. He eats, he poops, he pukes, although only 2 times this week, which is the lowest yet!!! and still. still still still.

I had hoped he was close to maintaining. Or maybe just 7.9 or something. less. /better/. something quantifiable. something hopeful. there isn't hope here.

On the way home he puked. Projectile. The stinky cancerous kind. It got all over him. I had to bathe him. I'm worried I somehow hurt him because he's a cat he does not want to get bathed, but he smelled like straight up doodoo. I hope I didn't hurt him. He seems more tired than usual.

The car is all fucked and smells bad too. But I don't care. I cleaned it up a few times now. Left the windows cracked to ... idk air it out.

It makes me miss Todd. Biggie was only my cat for... what... 2 years. 2 and a half. But they have been very nice years. He is such a curious boy. He always got into things none of the other cats cared about. He always wants to be involved, and he loved to explore. He loved to sleep by my head and he loves to paw my face awake. i dont want him to ever stop keeping my head warm. i dont want him to stop pawing me awake.

Still. 18. eighteen. a good, long life. Just. our time together. i knew him longer. but even what if we called it 5 or so. Its not enough. cats deserve to live forever.


i had a piece of todd in biggie. But soon biggie will be gone. And I had a piece of my dad in todd, and todd is gone. And isn't everything just an endless grieving process in the end.