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Got Indian Ridge yesterday for July, I am hoping that trip pans out. That tower can be incredible in the right conditions, and miserable in the wrong ones. Crossing my fingers.

Still trying for a couple more summer lookouts. I already have: Green Ridge for May 5 (we'll call this my birthday trip), Fivemile for June 3 (possible mushroom trip), Acorn Woman for July 3-5 (possible Tyler birthday trip, we've spent the 4th here before and it's wonderful), and now Indian Ridge for July 19.

I would still like Acker for Josh (the one with the rock climbing route below it) and Gold Butte I haven't been able to scrounge up but I would love to get Josh out there on a weekend, if the road is passable (it got really badly damaged in the big fire a few years ago). If we can link it with soaking at Breightenbush, even better.

Green Ridge opens back up in March for its September dates. The first open date in Sept is our anniversary, wouldn't that be nice?

But there's always Timberline Lodge for a backup plan :) It is extra nice having showers and food and a pool and hot tub, it's closer and there's glorious hiking and we can bring our own food if we don't want to spend more than the room fee, making it almost as affordable as a lookout trip. Off-season at Timberline is a newly discovered treasure and we are so lucky to have this option.

...

I got up too early, I am sleepy and underslept. There is so much I want to do today, my day off, but I need more rest first?

I want to go to silks at noon, do my PT while I'm there, and then take my laptop to the coffee shop and try to get started on my student loan recertification. Also hire the gutter cleaner guy and also a few other admin chores.

There is so much maintenance I need to do on the website but maybe I can work on that tomorrow, after hiking or biking (I am tempted to go back to Dog?).

I want to do housework! At least the floors, but omg my poor bedroom/office/closet/bathroom situation, I can't keep neglecting it forever? I don't know how to motivate to fix this.

I need to catch up on laundry and get groceries, also. Oof, tired just thinking about all this.

I should make some dinner for Josh? He's got lunch at least - Tyler did not eat the noodles I brought for him.

Tyler and I went hiking yesterday! For the first time in forever! It was so nice! I actually felt super super good with him for the first time in a long time. He seems a little subdued. He seems somehow smaller. He always used to seem larger than life, to me. He was more affectionate than usual, sticking close and holding me from time to time. I snuggled him aggressively, he let me.

Saddle Mountain was unexpectedly closed which was SO sad, but we went to Neahkanie instead which is a lovely consolation prize. The downside is a longer drive and shorter hike with more people (there are two trailheads so lots of people take the easy/short one, so the peak gets crowded), but the day was glorious and it felt like a decent workout anyway. It's a steady 1600' climb so no picnic :) I made us all beautiful food before I left - bison flat iron steak bites, sourdough noodles with veggies, sliced cheese and apples, extra fruit and crackers for nibbles, kombucha and I made us mint hot cocoa for the top (it tasted good even though it was a warm day). There is a glorious view of the ocean on top of Neahkanie.







Afterward we drove down to Manzanita and put our toes in the icy cold Pacific and watched the sunset. Tyler bought me a latte on the way to the coast and insisted on buying us treats at a little winery for dinner. He got the little mezze plate and a rose, I got their Best Day n/a IPA, which I usually would drink on the drive home but had forgotten to bring this time - I love drinking non-alcoholic beer while driving, there's something about it that feels soooooo satisfying lol. But drinking it with Tyler sipping fancy wine next to me outside by a huge barrel firepit while watching the sky change all sorts of unspeakable shades of darker and darker blue was pretty spectacular, too. I love him so much.

I also love Josh for encouraging all of this and for loving Tyler almost as much as I do. (Tyler introduced us and has consistently been a lynchpin of our relationship. Most of my favorite moments of my life have been with these two.) Josh chatted with Tyler a bit before we left in the late morning, while I served him lunch and packed our food for the hike.

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Work Thurs/Fri as usual, then a rare free weekend, hopefully that will entail some quality time with Josh and Cynthia and catching up on more house stuff.

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Josh and I had the MOST FUN dancing Sunday night. 20 years ago when I used to dance at the Fez, DJ Gregarious did a night called Shut Up and Dance, every Friday. Preston and I were devoted regulars of this night. Derek was doing Shadowplay on Thursdays which I also attended but Fridays were my date night with my boy and it was always super fun. I got to know Greg a bit and he was often request-friendly. So having him at Coffin Club in any capacity makes me really happy. I talked him into doing Shut Up and Dance there a few times in recent years, and he thanked me for the encouragement. His Sunday night thing is called Now That's What I Call Goth, and is a really silly mix of new wave and 80s/90s/2000s random stuff. It's a more relaxed crowd and a fun goofy night, and Josh and I had the best time.

I danced without a bra for the first time since surgery, and only suffered a small amount for it. I wore my itty bitty sparkly purple sequin shorts and the purple handmade top that is Josh's favorite (it is a one of a kind work of art, hand felted sculpted wool and silk made by an artist in the Bay Area who no longer makes them - such a lucky find at a consignment shop next to my grocery coop). I had my Shut Up and Dance tank top over it when we got there, a) because it was SO COLD and b) because of Greg. When I went to say thank you and goodnight to him, he gave me a big hug, and his wife Elizabeth hugged me too, it was sooooooo sweet. I felt so loved. It was a good vibe all around, everyone seemed to be having a good time, even the staff.

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Boob is still dented but healing, I don't know, trying not to stress too much over it.

I am doing an amazing job of not texting Finley before he leaves the country for three months.

I haven't reached out to Amanda yet. I know she is hurt by my withdrawal and I am afraid of hurting her more. I would like to reconnect but not on the level I know she would want. It's hard.

I want more Duncan time but I need to catch up on my own work, first.

I *really* need to do a solid, deep grief meditation, today. All the back ick thoughts are bubbling up, about how I mistreated my mother and failed her completely as a daughter and let her die in a miserable way and and and. It's bad. Also bad thoughts about the loss of my skating coach (and skating in general, a loss I also need to grieve), and my climate grief, and and and.

I also need to do some doodling and just decompress. It's time. My wings need attention but I'm not ready for that yet.

Had the most lovely sparkle party with my mardi gras ladies on Sunday, it went perfectly and I am so grateful. I was completely wiped out and exhausted and came home with $250 for the day, which is less than a usual hard day's work for me, but I am so happy that the ladies were happy, and was so uplifted and inspired by them, I am SO LUCKY to be able to do this work, I am thrilled beyond measure and it is more than enough to reward my efforts, here. They are more than worth it, I am happy.

Need to reach out to some friends I've been neglecting, eat some healthy food, okay, off I go.