¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Yesterday was really nice. Mostly spent hiking my favorite little mountain.

It's so funny, it was 34 degrees and thick fog in the morning, so I packed my yak trax and extra hand warmers and a buff and wool hat and lots of layers, and then I looked at the forecast for the mountain and it said high of mid-50s, I just couldn't believe it, low of high 40s? What? No way. It was so frigid it town, how could the notoriously windy chilly gorge be warm at elevation?

So I arrived to ridiculously balmy sunshine and felt really silly. I sweated all the way up the mountain and had to take my clothes off and hang them on a tree to dry out at the summit, whoopsiedoodles.

It was so cute, there were a couple of different young ladies running with their dogs, and one of the dogs was a white poodly thing who was SO EXCITED to roll around in the patches of melting snow at the top of the mountain, after an obviously very hard very hot trek. It made me want to get a white doggo, one day. It was just, breath-takingly cute.

Gotta run in a bit to PT, this time for my foot instead of my back. I'm glad because my back is in a little bit of pain and it's *so hard* for me to make myself do my PT for it when it's hurting, I just don't want to do anything to possibly aggravate it. My foot is also in pain after a 3000' 6 mile trek yesterday but it's been hurting long enough that I just deal, anymore.

Here's me all blissed out and sweaty on top of the mountain.



Afterward it was nuts, normally I would have just gone straight home and ate some snax and crashed, but somehow (maybe because I ate super healthy food when I got down off the mountain? I spent all morning cooking for myself and caring for Avalanche), I managed to go to the grocery store, the drug store, AND the pet store, got home and unpacked and put away everything, washed all of the neglected dishes, fed the cat and did a long play sesh with her with a new toy, swept the floor, took out the trash and took the bin to the curb (normally Josh's job but he's out of town for work), cleaned the sink, scrubbed the kitchen counter, attacked the stove, even cleaned the tea kettle??? My beloved red Le Creuset that I still can't remember who it came from but I think was maybe a wedding present?

Avi has been so spoiled the last few days while my mood has held steady. Long sessions of brushing and playing, all of her litter is clean and her water and food is always fresh, no blips in the routine, which always makes her so happy. The only thing I'm neglecting is her claws, but the only time I can trim them is when she's sleeping and she keeps sleeping under the bed where I can't reach her claws. Coincidence??? Hmmmmmm.

I am always so elated hiking. The combo of nature and hard work is what I need to feel calm and centered and engaged with the world. Most of the time, it doesn't matter if I'm alone. Or if I have a sore foot, or a dented boob.

My mood did crash a bit this morning, maybe because I overwhelmed myself with goals for the day. I am moving through them okay, full well knowing I won't finish them all. Just checking off as many as I can. Silks was nice. I got some admin done this morning beforehand. Replying to emails, keeping in touch with loved ones, keeping up on little threads that I'd normally just let unravel until it was a big mess or maybe even unsalvageable. I'm still eating well.

But I was sobbing over my childhood dog out of nowhere, this morning, and then over the small birds in the oak tree, which inspired me to finally download and install the Merlin app, which I am happy about. There are so many curious birds that pass through our little patch of the world.

I blame tears like this on chemical imbalances rather than on anything in particular happening that day in my life. It is a sign that I need to stop and do another grief meditation. It seems like if I do these 3ish times per week, I cry a lot less the rest of the time (I always weep during these meditations, but that's to be expected).

I'm reading a book called Essentialism by Greg McKeown and it's got some major flaws, but a few little jewels to pick out - like most self-help books. It is suggesting looking back over journal entries to find common threads of a story - not clear about what to do with that larger picture insight, but the book seems to think it's a valuable skill to develop? To be able to pick out the meaningful thread behind all of the noisy little moments. Hmm.

Also there is a chapter all about the importance of good sleep - always a good reminder - and also a chapter about the importance of play, which was eye-opening. If you really think about it, if folks are anything like me, our best memories are those we make during play. So, maybe we should prioritize this more. And try to work it into our everyday lives more.

In a way I've already got a lot of these things dialed. My job is kind of one big fantasy playtime. I spent a lot of time not working, hiking is a form of play, for me, anytime in nature is. Silks is play. Dance is play. Sex is play. Hanging out at the coffee shop journaling is play. I'm doing it right.

Also I think being raised lower-middle-class can force minimalism because we just don't have enough money to spend on frivolous things. So the whole, don't buy stuff you don't need thing is not that hard for me.

There are closet decluttering tips I am excited to work with, also.

So yeah, big flaws I'm not mentioning, but a lot of helpful things, too.

Should head over to PT. Getting tired. I forgot what else I was going to write about. Just, enjoying time on my own while Josh is away. We parted on a really good note which makes it easier to be apart, somehow. We know we're good. Work the next four days of work will be intense but I'll get through it. I wish the headaches would ease up. But just part of the healing process after surgery, I think.

It's hard not to be really mad that I ever went in for a mammogram in the first place. But I know that's not a helpful train of thought. And kind of cliche.

Enjoying my little 50 something period of life. 50 was a shock but I'm finally settling into it. I feel more accepting and less stressed, but still determined to stay as youthful and vibrant as possible in the face of whatever.

I am so, so sad to see so many people so devastated about "the state of the world." It's not that it isn't warranted. It is 100% horrific and people are justifiably overwhelmed and pissed. It just makes me so sad that it consumes them so. We're not designed to be exposed to all of it like this. But there has always, always been terrible things happening in the world, in all corners, all the time, unthinkable, horrific things. Getting bereft and paralyzed by it all does not help. Being angry makes sense, being sad makes sense, being overwhelmed at times makes total sense, believe me, my climate crisis anxiety has been through the roof ever since I started learning about the Amazon deforestation in the 80s, and it just keeps getting unthinkably worse. But this new normal of everyone declaring every year to be the worst ever is not cool, I am not okay with it. Even if it's true, it's just... not helpful, and I worry these people are destroying their own psyches for no real reason, ruining ones own peace of mind does not make the world better. I don't know, I try not to judge and just accept this is how people have to absorb social media, but it's so distressing to witness, day after day after day. I wonder if maybe, those of us who lived through unthinkable childhood trauma, know the importance of seeing past the horrors and to scrape and scratch and claw our way out and toward the light, to see through it, to look for the good things, to look for the helpers, to reach toward the love we have for one another, any way we can.