(no subject)

[frenzy]

I've been feeling blah most days here. Its okay. Just. Idk. I want to feel joy or interest again. Things are so close to being better. I can pull out of this.

Z went to go play disc golf and I'm just here since I don't like disc golf too much.

Also, yesterday I got my first massage since... before or after I went to Wisconsin. It was over a year. I feel much looser, but also, as expected it brought up knots and stuff that just can't be extinguished in 1 session. A couple weeks after this trip to Oregon, I'll have to mind my business so i can keep getting them.

I'm just sad lately. I can't seem to shake it. everything makes me want to cry.

Wednesday evening I had a job interview. It was for engineering, which is sort of different than support. I answered the technical questions honestly. I dont know the difference between TCP and UDP. I can read a traceroute, but i dont know what each hop means. I didnt even know an acronym he used at one point... I felt way over my head. But the manager said i was pretty "middle of the road" in comparison to the rest of the team. I could get a huge huge raise. But I also feel like Im faking this somehow. I am somehow tricking them into thinking I can... idk. i cant write bash scripts from scratch. i cant write PHP or javascript from scratch. i never went to bootcamp. im just a dingdong that somehow has faked themselves. idk.

would i even want a new job? i mean, sorry, yes, i really, really do lol. i am so fucking underpaid right now and also the tier 2 manager hates me, so ill never get a promotion. but i wanted tableau. it paid way more but also like way more my wheelhouse. i dont know. i dont know! i had a job interview go /well/ but i've been panicking about it for 36 fucking hours!!!!

Im not the kind of person that has imposter syndrome. I just feel like I'm in way over my head. Idk. Im meeting perry for drinks outside tomorrow and i'll pick his brain more.

until then just fighting endless creeping depression

Comments

[symbioid]

"im just a dingdong that somehow has faked themselves. "

Yay imposter syndrome. At least you faked it enough! Some of us can't even do that :( :P
(LOL I Just saw you're I'm not ... comment a paragraph down). I think it's that we really don't understand how difficult difficult things are. But there are people that find this easier than others, which is why I struggle so much, I think.

Did they have you take a JS test? I suppose Node is bigger now. I just wouldn't have pictured JS, but... The world is not the same as it was.

Hang in there, I agree, the depression will fade. You're still dealing with the loss of your dad's friend and cat and the pandemic and and the stress that's put on you with the relationship, and lots of stuff, so ... yeah... What a fucking set of years.

[frenzy]

No tests yet. Mostly just getting a feel for what the job is. Perry told me literally nothing about the job. And now its like, okay cloud operations. AWS. I'm familiar. But no tests yet, other than some quick questions like "difference between TCP and UDP" and "how do you read a traceroute" and... uh... some other stuff I'm sure.

I guess a more technical interview would come later. I dont even want to do it if I'm going to embarrass myself!!!!!!!! idek. I'm probably just worrying because my depression/anxiety feel badder than usual today.

[symbioid]

Ah ok, yeah. At least you've got an eye out and are looking :)

Only thing I know about TCP vs UDP is one is more necessary for streaming and one can be asyncronous/non-serial (e.g. it doesn't matter if a packet is dropped or arrives late). I forgot which is which. LOL.

[frandroid]

> cant write PHP or javascript from scratch.

JavaScript is eating the world right now... (both in front end development, and backend development in Node) You could really give yourself a leg up by doing some tutorials. I started by teaching myself Ruby on Rails and was offered a job before I was even competent, and then suddenly we jettisoned our Rails stack and I had to become a full front-end dev. I didn't even know what the DOM was (though I knew my HTML/CSS). I learned as I went, with some helpful coworkers and lots of googling around. Then we took on ReactJS and that was a new adventure, but waaaayyyy easier than Angular before it. Happy to give links to books/tutorials or more advice.

Though from the sound of it, you went more for an ops/admin job? I've never had to understand TCP/UDP networking type stuff.

[ioplokon]

If you do a second interview, maybe you can ask about onboarding/training/professional development processes and opportunities. Hopefully that will put your mind at ease, or at least give you an idea of what they expect from you just starting out. Like, what will I do in the first 3 months, what will I do in the first year, etc.

[sabotabby]

You are a sneaky dingdong who has successfully fooled everyone! Keep playin' them all until you'r rich!