what are you reading wednesday?

What have you finished reading?

nothin'

What are you currently reading?

A Dance with Dragons by George R R Martin -

( cw: rape )

otherwise book is fine. The political stuff with Jon is more boring in the book, but the Dorne stuff is 1000% better. i think tonight or tomorrow ill finally reach half way and i'll be able to take a break and maybe read some lighter comics, which is 100% what i need right now.

(no subject)

writing everything down so i can remember. so i can forget.

Not last night but the other night, when I woke up, Skittles basically just laid in her waste all night and it made me very sad. Yesterday we got skittles carne guisada. she ate the whole taco and im proud of her.

taking care of skittles all day is EXHAUSTING. basically she'll nap on my lap for an hour, or so. I have to drink less water so I dont get up to pee as often. Then I have to carry her to the litter box or her food or water to see what she needs. i sort of wheel barrow her, carrying her hips, while she poorly uses her front legs to lead the way. sometimes i pass her off to Z while I launder the blankets. She keeps peeing on them, which obviously isn't intentional. So I've had to do laundry every day. Sometimes multiple times a day.

Still, after the taco, at least disposition and attitude-wise she seemed in better spirits. She loves food so I imagine getting all her favorite people food is sort of making her happier with dealing with this.

Because of the falls, I keep her on the floor. Well, last night, I hear a crash, and she had army crawled her way to the couch and then fell, of course. I mean, she was "fine". Like obviously she's not fine anymore, but no more injured than normal. Clearly I wasn't going to stop her from doing what she wanted, even being paraplegic, so I set her on the couch and put an old pillow as a crash pad. I dont really know if its working or not. I'd rather her not fall, but she also deserves autonomy. Blue, who remains as sweet as ever, came over to be by her.

I woke up in the morning and she had made her way back to her "nest" on the floor. There was poo all over the couch, which, whatever, and then down to the crash pad, and then back to her floor nest. Blue was next to her, on a soiled pee pad. Its like, that sweet cat clearly wants to take care of her. But that dumb cat cant see that hes literally laying in poop. Whatever. I'll call the groomer next week or something lol

Today, even, while I was outside, Skittles managed to crawl from the floor nest and up the couch stairs. I dont know how she did it!! Blue of course joined her up there. Sweet boy.

But like, okay, so then I question again, she can't do shit, but is still determined to crawl around. This sweet Skittle would give more of her body than necessary to make us happy which is sweet and sad. I know I can't keep her, she's in pain and not doing well at all, i KNOW what we're doing is right, but still i second guess.

Hell my coworker, he was like "have you considered a kitty wheelchair" and i was, i was really fucking rude to him. like, this is the hardest decision of my life, and you want me to second guess it? i ALREADY have to deal with my husband second guessing it. And my own second guessing. Even if a kitty wheelchair happened, her front legs would probably go in, like, two weeks tops. Its fucking time. You're not the vet.

I did apologise, because I am real fucking testy rn but i also hope he realises that, in the future, dont second guess these things. especially probably one of the hardest decisions any pet parent has to make.

I just go between sobbing and being tired of taking care of her. and then sad that I feel that way because I feel guilty for, like, being exhausted. but this not normal and it really is the opposite of easy.

while i sobbed yesterday, like, all day, ive only cried a few times today, and not, like, hysterical crying. but we still have all evening to start bawling. Mike and Jay will be coming by to say their byes.

Ok thats everything for now i guess.