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Dec. 5th, 2019 07:07 pmits now less than 24 hours. 23. 22 and a half. time keeps moving even though this week has sped by.
last night mike and jay came by. their goodbye was shorter, we tried not to cry, but crying happened. after i got off work things got so hard.
last night, i went to bed at 2:30a. Skittles crawled her way into the bedroom and started meowing to wake me up at 4:30a
it was so impressive and sweet that she wanted me. that she would do that. sad too. i put her on my chest and she fell asleep but i just couldn't seem to fall asleep myself. I laid there for 40 minutes and then got up. I cleaned up poop and all that and just sort of dicked around online. i kept worrying about skittles. i felt bad for not being able to sleep with her on me. i felt guilty since it was our second to last night together. but i put her on the electric blanket and i went back to bed around 7:30a and got a few more hours sleep.
i was generally as okay as i could be till 24 hour mark hit. then it felt like her hours are just numbered and its so sad.
today she got tuna which she has been appreciating.
blue has been peeing on pee pads. which. UGH. i mean, maybe he'll stop once, you know, we stop having pee pads everywhere. but im worried these are going to give him potty issues again. one problem at a time i guess.
ok minor rant but my shitty ex and his gf were supposed to come by. but he decides last minute hes not coming. and she doesnt even tell me, and fine, ok i dont think she even has cell service. but she stays for like two hours and sometimes i cry and, we're not like super close. and idk. its like weird and she didnt leave till i offered to drive her somewhere. she said i should reconsile with shitty ex because hes sober. i said that i support his sobriety but theres no fucking way. he did some evil, irreparable things to me. while im glad hes finally getting sober i absolutely will not reconsile. its not my fault he hurt me.
ok
so
its all a lot. now shes gone which is oddly relieving
i have to clean-ish tonight. i have this sinking pit in my stomach. i know its coming. look at her little body on my lap. its just sad. so sad. soon it wont be moving and breathing and its kind of fucking with me. its so sad because her spirit, her personality, can still come out, but her body is failing. shes sick of this. I know shes in pain when she tries to get around. i know she hates not being able to get around. i know this is the right choice but it hurts so bad
why does loving something have to hurt so much when the end comes. everything dies, but this agony is terrible. im so so so so grateful for the immense joy she has given me. its makes this pain almost okay. to know how much she loved me, she loved me so much. she would do anything for me.
i wish i hadnt gone on vacation during her last weeks. i had no clue her end was so soon. i knew afterwards, after utah, i shouldnt go anywhere. and then thanksgiving. i wish i hadnt gone because god i love her or maybe i could have somehow slowed this. i just want more time. i just want more.
im on such little sleep. and i got my period but whatever. im sobbing. im just not okay. im not okay at all. i know this is right but i dont want it to happen. i know its time but i want time to stand still. i know im sick of carrying her around and waiting on her, but i would live my life like this forever if she was not in pain and she didnt mind not being very mobile and then we could have more time together. i would get 4 hours of sleep for the rest of my life if it meant i could just have her crawling into bed with me, literally, after meowing to wake me up.
it hurts. this sinking feeling physically hurts.
its not fair. its not fair. shes fucking light and good and while her work is done, and all she has done is bring good to the world, she could do more. please. im so sorry. my chest hurts. everything hurts. i cant stop fucking sobbing. i love her. i will miss her. shes made me who i am today. i feel like ill be lost without her. my throat is screaming. it hurts. it physically fucking hurts.
im not proofreading this garbage. i have nothing new to say. sorry but thanks for letting me get this out. i am just not ok. im absolutely not ok.
20 hours left.
last night mike and jay came by. their goodbye was shorter, we tried not to cry, but crying happened. after i got off work things got so hard.
last night, i went to bed at 2:30a. Skittles crawled her way into the bedroom and started meowing to wake me up at 4:30a
it was so impressive and sweet that she wanted me. that she would do that. sad too. i put her on my chest and she fell asleep but i just couldn't seem to fall asleep myself. I laid there for 40 minutes and then got up. I cleaned up poop and all that and just sort of dicked around online. i kept worrying about skittles. i felt bad for not being able to sleep with her on me. i felt guilty since it was our second to last night together. but i put her on the electric blanket and i went back to bed around 7:30a and got a few more hours sleep.
i was generally as okay as i could be till 24 hour mark hit. then it felt like her hours are just numbered and its so sad.
today she got tuna which she has been appreciating.
blue has been peeing on pee pads. which. UGH. i mean, maybe he'll stop once, you know, we stop having pee pads everywhere. but im worried these are going to give him potty issues again. one problem at a time i guess.
ok minor rant but my shitty ex and his gf were supposed to come by. but he decides last minute hes not coming. and she doesnt even tell me, and fine, ok i dont think she even has cell service. but she stays for like two hours and sometimes i cry and, we're not like super close. and idk. its like weird and she didnt leave till i offered to drive her somewhere. she said i should reconsile with shitty ex because hes sober. i said that i support his sobriety but theres no fucking way. he did some evil, irreparable things to me. while im glad hes finally getting sober i absolutely will not reconsile. its not my fault he hurt me.
ok
so
its all a lot. now shes gone which is oddly relieving
i have to clean-ish tonight. i have this sinking pit in my stomach. i know its coming. look at her little body on my lap. its just sad. so sad. soon it wont be moving and breathing and its kind of fucking with me. its so sad because her spirit, her personality, can still come out, but her body is failing. shes sick of this. I know shes in pain when she tries to get around. i know she hates not being able to get around. i know this is the right choice but it hurts so bad
why does loving something have to hurt so much when the end comes. everything dies, but this agony is terrible. im so so so so grateful for the immense joy she has given me. its makes this pain almost okay. to know how much she loved me, she loved me so much. she would do anything for me.
i wish i hadnt gone on vacation during her last weeks. i had no clue her end was so soon. i knew afterwards, after utah, i shouldnt go anywhere. and then thanksgiving. i wish i hadnt gone because god i love her or maybe i could have somehow slowed this. i just want more time. i just want more.
im on such little sleep. and i got my period but whatever. im sobbing. im just not okay. im not okay at all. i know this is right but i dont want it to happen. i know its time but i want time to stand still. i know im sick of carrying her around and waiting on her, but i would live my life like this forever if she was not in pain and she didnt mind not being very mobile and then we could have more time together. i would get 4 hours of sleep for the rest of my life if it meant i could just have her crawling into bed with me, literally, after meowing to wake me up.
it hurts. this sinking feeling physically hurts.
its not fair. its not fair. shes fucking light and good and while her work is done, and all she has done is bring good to the world, she could do more. please. im so sorry. my chest hurts. everything hurts. i cant stop fucking sobbing. i love her. i will miss her. shes made me who i am today. i feel like ill be lost without her. my throat is screaming. it hurts. it physically fucking hurts.
im not proofreading this garbage. i have nothing new to say. sorry but thanks for letting me get this out. i am just not ok. im absolutely not ok.
20 hours left.
