everything went wrong.

Oh my god. you know why i'm here. and im leaning on you more than ever DW.

If my schedule is correct, I am due a "bad week". Well, its been a bad week. I've been slowly amassing a list, so lets go:

1) politics. Or, specifically, the vice presidential nominee. Uh, so I am definitely a leftist and most of my friends are as well. And a lot of my pals are like "OH WOE IS ME" about the VP pick. Like, y'all already hate biden, and are already on record for hating biden... he could have chosen Ronald McDonald for the VP pick and they'd still be upset.

So of course, most of my friends list (not here, but facebook) is splintered to voting for biden is voting for literally hitler, or, you know, voting for third parties is literally voting for hitler. and gods, i don't fucking care. y'all do what you want to do. Ugh. This is why I sat out the last election (im sorry). Look, electoral politics suck, the DNC really, really sucks, but I cannot fathom another 4 years of trump. ill vote as far left as my area will support, and keep hoping for something better (i guess). Mostly, im voting thinking about the supreme court justices. 2 more conservative justices would roll back anything good in the world. Thats all assuming Trump isn't just going to do a coup or something. But then we'll all just have a revolution (right?).

I'm wasting a lot of ink just to say, i'm tired of the complaining about politics... even though i'm complaining about politics. but im especially tired because:

2) I noticed something about social media. We get our memes, our funny jokes, our cute animal pictures, our news, and our politics and activism ALL IN ONE PLACE. And there's no ... way to like filter out leisure time with news/actionable response time. At least at DW its... its just words. And i've curated my reddit to mostly just be leisure/memes/cute animals. but man, it can't be good that all this shit is mixed like this. Once I watched a video that pointed this out (a sarahz youtube video)... i can't stop seeing it. I think it really does affect my mood. sometimes i wanna see less politics and more cute cats because I'm Already Having A Very Hard Time OK.

3) apparently this is a point I wanted to write about, but it feels real fucking trivial, but I'll type it out anyway. I watched the star wars prequels for the first time in a long time. and i am so disappointed the writing is so shitty. anakin turning to the dark side should have been really compelling. Ugh. This is, literally, the first time in my life, I ever wanted to write fan fiction. I could write a better story there. See, this is extra dumb. I'm never going to write it lol.

4) my sleep schedule had been terrible all fucking week. I've given up and I've just been drugging myself with benedryl, even though i sometimes sleepwalk when I take it. It fucking terrifies me, but not sleeping at all is even worse so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . I've been up a lot lately about a lot of things.

Some of it is the typical every wrong I have ever done thing. I think that's a lot of people. I've wronged a lot of folks and I still feel bad about it decades later.

I keep almost dreaming about Lara and I'm terrified. My grief with Lara is so weird lately. After she died, I learned she had abused a close friend of mine in a pretty heinous way. So I feel bad because me grieving her, triggers them. And I don't want to do that. But regardless of what happened, Lara had been a very long time friend, definitely like a sister to me. I always knew she wasn't the best of people, but I knew she had a good heart in the end. OR SO I THOUGHT. Still, people who abuse tend to also have loved ones. And its had to reconcile and parse shit. Its even harder because its grief which is just such a strange emotion to begin with. And I even though she hurt my friend, I still miss her.

I've been up because i miss Skittles. I missed her birthday last month. But this week would have been her 8th adoptaversary. And I kept seeing /healthy/ pictures of her. She looked so haggard her last year or so. Seeing her so fluffy, and with meat and muscle... it was just so sad. I miss her dearly. Even though she died at the end of 2019, it feels like her and Lil Bub dying were the start of 2020 to me. Just an endless slope downward.

To continue with the numbered list, this brings us to 5) Y'all probably saw my outburst on facebook today, so you know it doesnt get any better. I don't like posting shit like that on facebook, because its so fucking performative. I dont fucking type for likes, hearts, or care reactions. But deleting it would have called even /more/ attention to it. So I guess i'll keep it there. But yes, watch me melt down in real time i guess.

A buddy of mine died... yesterday? We found out today. His name is Hodge and I've written about him a few times. I never saw him super often, but he is a long time friend of Z's, and helped him get a foot in the door in the brewing industry. We owe a lot to him. Also, Hodge was always just, idk, a cool guy to hang out with. He died while hiking, possibly in Zion. Apparently a trail gave out beneath him. it was a freak accident. He didnt do anything wrong. He must have fallen and died. There are no news stories out yet, that I can find.

Man this is a huge fear of mine. even though i love those stupid "death in X park" books. So now I feel extra bad that I've read any of them? I wish I could get them all out of my head. I hope he didnt suffer. I dont want him to become a page in a book. He was going on a very robust road trip, all over the national parks. He was living his life to the fullest. Im always so scared of something terrible happening to me while hiking. Its still wild, and man, I can pack the most robust pack in the world, nothing could save me if Shit Really Got Bad. Seriously, after a Bad Hike in Acadia national park, I always make sure to have a TON of gear even for shorter hikes. Because you just never know. But man. Nothing could have saved him.

I'm just so sad. I can't believe its him and I cant believe he's dead now. it doesn't feel right. I had last seen him around christmas. Z still texted him pretty often. Z was the one who told him about hikes in Zion. Thats like extra morbid. did my husband tell him to take a hike that killed him? This shit is always so moot but what if Z said "oh zion sucks, leave" like... would he still be alive? I know that isn't how this shit works.

I keep googling because I want to know more, even though knowing more wouldn't help me at all.

It just sucks. And I feel bad for being sad because Z, and Phil, and Rachel are all hurting way more than me.

And to top it off, 6) when Z got home from work he was like "Where is Snowball" and I assumed she was in the bedroom. Z and I decided to go get sadness tacos, and realised she wasnt in the bedroom. We started searching everywhere. I looked in the fucking fridge. Just anywhere. Nowhere. She never got out. Shes not one to dart out the door. But somehow she must have gotten out that morning.

I feel so bad working all morning and not seeing her at all and not thinking about it. But shes definitely the kind of cat to Do Her Own Thing.

Anyway, we go outside, we're in the front, we hear a meow from the back yard. I think it might be Mike's cats, but we go look anyway, I see a black butt, and lo and behold, it is Snowball. She was dirty but didn't run away.

Gods shes not even microchipped yet (waiting to do her Dental when the vet starts doing dentals again).

Anyway, now, each time we open and close the door, I'm looking for Snowball. But then... SHE GOT OUT AGAIN. THE DOOR WAS NEVER OPENED. Now we KNOW there has to be a HOLE IN THE HOUSE. Well, I find a window pane that had been pushed out, and so Snowball got out that way! Z starts looking for her again, I patch up the window. How has a window been broken SINCE THIS MORNING and I just now found out??

Anyway, she is in the backyard again, and she doesn't run thankfully. And we get her back in the house.

Losing my cat is easily one of my biggest real, and kind of irrational fears. I kept a level head but i kept just wanting to panic. Im grateful Snowball never went far either time. And I'm grateful shes back in the house. I can't believe I didnt notice she was gone nor notice a broken window.




at any rate, I've had enough 2020 for the day. I mean, i've had enough 2020 for the week too, but one day at a time I suppose.