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Oct. 24th, 2020 10:58 amHey its saturday morning. Just like the old days. Lets see if I can get this entry done before Z wakes up.
Shane, again, was in town this week doing contract work for the brewery. Its nice having him around even though I continue to worry about the rona. Still, its not like I'm not going to let my brother stay with us.
Sunday, before Shane got in, I decided I *finally* needed to go pants shopping. I haven't fit my jeans in almost 2 years. I keep saying "oh im going to lose the weight" and I might, but denying myself jeans I look OK in is kind of a fucked up carrot and I'm exhausted trying to reach it. I went to a Marshalls, but they fitting rooms were closed? I guess that makes sense. They were trying to sanitize everything, and they can't sanitize a fitting room each time? But I'm not worried about surfaces? I mean, idk. The whole point going into a store was to try stuff on. If I can't try stuff on, I might as well just buy jeans online next time. Anyway, both pants fit me, so that's a plus.
On Etsy I bought some reusable cotton rounds, so I don't have to keep buying cotton balls. I know its a small, stupid thing but every little bit helps. While I was on there, I wound up buying a cross stitch pattern. I kept saying I want to learn to quilt, but instead I've done nothing. I already know how to cross stitch, and I need a project, so I kind of got it on a whim. Maybe after re-getting into cross stitch, I'll feel braver and try quilting.
During the packers game, which was painful to watch, i decided to try and buy all the embroidery thread i needed, but you cant buy embroidery floss online... i went to a michaels. I was, like, the only person in the store though, so that was nice.
Monday we didn't do much. After work, we watched football and ate pizza which was nice.
Tuesday, we met up with Kirt and Justin at Zilker and had some beers. I like their outdoor set up, but I wish they had more tables.
Shane headed out Wednesday, so the rest of the last few days I've taken it easy. I started playing DDR again and my feet and calves are sore. But I need to do more cardio. pokemon go walks are nice, but they don't really get my heart rate up.
Yesterday, after work, Z lost his credit card. We went back to where he was, live oak, to see if it was there. It wasn't. It was surprisingly chilly, but it was nice to sort of bundle up and be outside drinking a beer. It was just really nice. Oh and I got my cross stitch fabric so I started that. Thats nice.
I've been missing Skittles a lot lately. I don't exactly know why. I was cleaning out my (physical) files, and I needed to make space, so I was throwing out some of her vet records and receipts. It was hard looking at the weight just drop off of her. the last time she went to the vet she was 4lbs. so fucking sad. I wish I could have done more. I wish I had had more time. I've been looking at her pictures and that makes me sad too. I have more pictures of my dead cat than my dead dad. That's kind of sad. I wish my dad had been alive when phones had cameras. Remember how we all mocked phones with cameras? Now I can easily say its such a delightful, clever idea. Sorry, I'm all over the place. The candle in Skittles' shrine is burned out. It was one of the candles we kept lit to mask the smell of her body when I had kept her on ice. I wish I could pet her again. I should probably put a new candle on her little shrine.
I've been feeling weird/bad about aging lately. I've been feeling it a while, but especially the last few weeks its just been overwhelming. I found a full grey hair right in the middle of my head. My eyes, my jaw, it all has wrinkles. I feel like I'm aging quicker than everyone else, but it might actually be that I only see filtered pictures of people these days. Punk rock is such a ... young look. You don't see old punks. And now I get to sort of decide what I want to look like, or how to at least decide that looking old and subcultured is incredibly punk rock and okay. And not giving into societies weird standards that youth = beauty. im so tired of filtered pictures. This isn't what we look like. Did you know some phones automatically do light retouching now? It makes me so mad. beauty isn't everything, beauty is fleeting. show me how the fuck i am. but we all need to do it. i want to grow out my bangs because i dont like my bangs, but my forehead is so fucking wrinkly. Do you know how many people have admitted to me that they got fillers in their forehead? its pretty cheap. theres a part of me that wants to cave in. theres a part of me that wants to do this revolutionary thing of just liking my body as it is. [absolutely no judgement to anyone who gets work done. its just like any other type of body modification. but do it for you, not because society says so]
A dear friend of mine, who was in my wedding and we also moderate a very large facebook page together is having some really bad medical problems. She basically drank herself into brain damage. It makes me so sad because she constantly posting stuff on facebook that either isn't true, or re-re-re-reposting her realization that she has brain damage. Its very sad. Its like watching a young person get dementia or something. She has to rely on everyone around her, and she's normally incredibly independent so I really, just, i don't know! Its like my biggest fears and its so sad that I have to watch this. It made me think a lot about my ex too. My ex was such an alcoholic that he had seizures. I wonder if he was actually brain damaged. Maybe he wasnt constantly lying, but he actually was confused on what the truth was. maybe the stuff he made up about me was actually him projecting... just more brain damage. It doesn't matter what it was or wasn't. I don't forgive him and I don't care to have him in my life. But its been making me re-think a lot of that stuff. Anyway, I brought on a longlong time childhood friend to help moderate our large facebook page. They seem to get along with everyone which is good. I may need more help too eventually. I'll worry about that later.
Looks like I managed to write a gajillion words and Z is still asleep. It was nice to get everything out. Shane'll be back tomorrow, so the cycle repeats. ttyl.
Shane, again, was in town this week doing contract work for the brewery. Its nice having him around even though I continue to worry about the rona. Still, its not like I'm not going to let my brother stay with us.
Sunday, before Shane got in, I decided I *finally* needed to go pants shopping. I haven't fit my jeans in almost 2 years. I keep saying "oh im going to lose the weight" and I might, but denying myself jeans I look OK in is kind of a fucked up carrot and I'm exhausted trying to reach it. I went to a Marshalls, but they fitting rooms were closed? I guess that makes sense. They were trying to sanitize everything, and they can't sanitize a fitting room each time? But I'm not worried about surfaces? I mean, idk. The whole point going into a store was to try stuff on. If I can't try stuff on, I might as well just buy jeans online next time. Anyway, both pants fit me, so that's a plus.
On Etsy I bought some reusable cotton rounds, so I don't have to keep buying cotton balls. I know its a small, stupid thing but every little bit helps. While I was on there, I wound up buying a cross stitch pattern. I kept saying I want to learn to quilt, but instead I've done nothing. I already know how to cross stitch, and I need a project, so I kind of got it on a whim. Maybe after re-getting into cross stitch, I'll feel braver and try quilting.
During the packers game, which was painful to watch, i decided to try and buy all the embroidery thread i needed, but you cant buy embroidery floss online... i went to a michaels. I was, like, the only person in the store though, so that was nice.
Monday we didn't do much. After work, we watched football and ate pizza which was nice.
Tuesday, we met up with Kirt and Justin at Zilker and had some beers. I like their outdoor set up, but I wish they had more tables.
Shane headed out Wednesday, so the rest of the last few days I've taken it easy. I started playing DDR again and my feet and calves are sore. But I need to do more cardio. pokemon go walks are nice, but they don't really get my heart rate up.
Yesterday, after work, Z lost his credit card. We went back to where he was, live oak, to see if it was there. It wasn't. It was surprisingly chilly, but it was nice to sort of bundle up and be outside drinking a beer. It was just really nice. Oh and I got my cross stitch fabric so I started that. Thats nice.
I've been missing Skittles a lot lately. I don't exactly know why. I was cleaning out my (physical) files, and I needed to make space, so I was throwing out some of her vet records and receipts. It was hard looking at the weight just drop off of her. the last time she went to the vet she was 4lbs. so fucking sad. I wish I could have done more. I wish I had had more time. I've been looking at her pictures and that makes me sad too. I have more pictures of my dead cat than my dead dad. That's kind of sad. I wish my dad had been alive when phones had cameras. Remember how we all mocked phones with cameras? Now I can easily say its such a delightful, clever idea. Sorry, I'm all over the place. The candle in Skittles' shrine is burned out. It was one of the candles we kept lit to mask the smell of her body when I had kept her on ice. I wish I could pet her again. I should probably put a new candle on her little shrine.
I've been feeling weird/bad about aging lately. I've been feeling it a while, but especially the last few weeks its just been overwhelming. I found a full grey hair right in the middle of my head. My eyes, my jaw, it all has wrinkles. I feel like I'm aging quicker than everyone else, but it might actually be that I only see filtered pictures of people these days. Punk rock is such a ... young look. You don't see old punks. And now I get to sort of decide what I want to look like, or how to at least decide that looking old and subcultured is incredibly punk rock and okay. And not giving into societies weird standards that youth = beauty. im so tired of filtered pictures. This isn't what we look like. Did you know some phones automatically do light retouching now? It makes me so mad. beauty isn't everything, beauty is fleeting. show me how the fuck i am. but we all need to do it. i want to grow out my bangs because i dont like my bangs, but my forehead is so fucking wrinkly. Do you know how many people have admitted to me that they got fillers in their forehead? its pretty cheap. theres a part of me that wants to cave in. theres a part of me that wants to do this revolutionary thing of just liking my body as it is. [absolutely no judgement to anyone who gets work done. its just like any other type of body modification. but do it for you, not because society says so]
A dear friend of mine, who was in my wedding and we also moderate a very large facebook page together is having some really bad medical problems. She basically drank herself into brain damage. It makes me so sad because she constantly posting stuff on facebook that either isn't true, or re-re-re-reposting her realization that she has brain damage. Its very sad. Its like watching a young person get dementia or something. She has to rely on everyone around her, and she's normally incredibly independent so I really, just, i don't know! Its like my biggest fears and its so sad that I have to watch this. It made me think a lot about my ex too. My ex was such an alcoholic that he had seizures. I wonder if he was actually brain damaged. Maybe he wasnt constantly lying, but he actually was confused on what the truth was. maybe the stuff he made up about me was actually him projecting... just more brain damage. It doesn't matter what it was or wasn't. I don't forgive him and I don't care to have him in my life. But its been making me re-think a lot of that stuff. Anyway, I brought on a longlong time childhood friend to help moderate our large facebook page. They seem to get along with everyone which is good. I may need more help too eventually. I'll worry about that later.
Looks like I managed to write a gajillion words and Z is still asleep. It was nice to get everything out. Shane'll be back tomorrow, so the cycle repeats. ttyl.
