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Ugh. I can't fucking sleep. Whatever.
Things have... settled down. Z has apologized a lot, which is useful, since I've felt pretty insecure the several days after the fight. I know hes mourning and in grief, and I know he wants to travel, idk. He understands, and feels bad for everything blowing up. I know I didn't exactly help by just doing the same thing he had done to me. Still, he has reassured me that its okay, he's not mad, he knows flying is pretty stupid right now.
Really, the more I've thought on this, the more upset I am at how the government and/or leadership have failed us. In true american individualist fashion, we're left with no rules on risk aversion. We're left to research it ourselves and decide our own levels of risk. I'm certain I'm not the only person who has fought with a loved one because we had different levels of risk aversion. It doesn't have to be this way. But it is.
We did a lot of stuff this week, but all generally stuff that wasn't dangerous/awful.
Friday we played mini golf with rachel and marshall. We did go inside their house afterwards though, we probably just should have hung out outside.
Saturday we had beers with Perry. We were on the patio, but moved inside because it was busy. the ventilation is good at least? We sat 10 feet apart at least.
Sunday I hung out with Mike and Jay on their porch.
I am honestly really really pumped for football to be back. Probably more than I aught to be considering the pandemic? Thus far, things seem like they've been relatively safe? Idk. I should feel guilty but its not like I'm in any leadership position. So I will take my distraction and enjoy it. It was really nice to see Rodgers light up the gd field. Hopefully this'll be a good year for the packers.
Tonight we went to dinner for our anniversary. Its 7 years dating, 3 years of marriage. Its weird because we've been bickering a lot lately, but i know we're happy together generally. I am certainly happier with him than not. Hell, I've been bickering with friends too. The pandemic is rough on all of us. I'm happy for another year together, but this hasn't been the best year, and I'm holding out for better ones.
Lastly, the anniversary of dating Z means its also an anniversary of leaving my terrible ex.
I know its not actually true ( https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/does-body-replace-itself-seven-years/ ). But I've been holding fast to this for literally 7 years. Certainly my skin has regenerated. my internal tissue. he has no power over me, except in my head. hes a fucking rapist and i'm happy to feel like maybe i am on the other side and maybe hes never touched me.
lately i keep worrying i see chris around town. he lives here, but i never see him. he's across the river afaik, so its practically another town away. but i keep seeing someone who looks like him. i hate him even though the person i hate probably doesnt exist anymore. after so many seizures from being an alcoholic, he doesnt seem like the same monster that raped me several times. i feel stupid for having stayed with him for any amount of time. the first time i should have left. i hate him still. i dont forgive him. post seizures, he seems less smart, much slower, and more harmless. but i still hate him and he's still a monster and maybe he's finally never touched me.
Things have... settled down. Z has apologized a lot, which is useful, since I've felt pretty insecure the several days after the fight. I know hes mourning and in grief, and I know he wants to travel, idk. He understands, and feels bad for everything blowing up. I know I didn't exactly help by just doing the same thing he had done to me. Still, he has reassured me that its okay, he's not mad, he knows flying is pretty stupid right now.
Really, the more I've thought on this, the more upset I am at how the government and/or leadership have failed us. In true american individualist fashion, we're left with no rules on risk aversion. We're left to research it ourselves and decide our own levels of risk. I'm certain I'm not the only person who has fought with a loved one because we had different levels of risk aversion. It doesn't have to be this way. But it is.
We did a lot of stuff this week, but all generally stuff that wasn't dangerous/awful.
Friday we played mini golf with rachel and marshall. We did go inside their house afterwards though, we probably just should have hung out outside.
Saturday we had beers with Perry. We were on the patio, but moved inside because it was busy. the ventilation is good at least? We sat 10 feet apart at least.
Sunday I hung out with Mike and Jay on their porch.
I am honestly really really pumped for football to be back. Probably more than I aught to be considering the pandemic? Thus far, things seem like they've been relatively safe? Idk. I should feel guilty but its not like I'm in any leadership position. So I will take my distraction and enjoy it. It was really nice to see Rodgers light up the gd field. Hopefully this'll be a good year for the packers.
Tonight we went to dinner for our anniversary. Its 7 years dating, 3 years of marriage. Its weird because we've been bickering a lot lately, but i know we're happy together generally. I am certainly happier with him than not. Hell, I've been bickering with friends too. The pandemic is rough on all of us. I'm happy for another year together, but this hasn't been the best year, and I'm holding out for better ones.
Lastly, the anniversary of dating Z means its also an anniversary of leaving my terrible ex.
I know its not actually true ( https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/does-body-replace-itself-seven-years/ ). But I've been holding fast to this for literally 7 years. Certainly my skin has regenerated. my internal tissue. he has no power over me, except in my head. hes a fucking rapist and i'm happy to feel like maybe i am on the other side and maybe hes never touched me.
lately i keep worrying i see chris around town. he lives here, but i never see him. he's across the river afaik, so its practically another town away. but i keep seeing someone who looks like him. i hate him even though the person i hate probably doesnt exist anymore. after so many seizures from being an alcoholic, he doesnt seem like the same monster that raped me several times. i feel stupid for having stayed with him for any amount of time. the first time i should have left. i hate him still. i dont forgive him. post seizures, he seems less smart, much slower, and more harmless. but i still hate him and he's still a monster and maybe he's finally never touched me.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-17 11:32 am (UTC)From:I hear you; I stayed in two abusive relationships long after I should have. I don't think it's stupid. We're trained to try to make the best of things.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-17 02:22 pm (UTC)From:He thinks I abused him, which is just a crock of horseshit, but I've kept my mouth shut because I mostly just want him to not exist in my memory or life.