(no subject)

[frenzy]

Its hit me this morning that people I felt were my friends are now more "parasocial" than anything. Mostly, people in Austin, mostly because of the pandemic. I feel like I'm not even the same person since the start of all this. I feel like I am just a really depressed person trying to navigate... anything... grief mostly. Will I ever be invited to a party ever again? Do people even like me? Things will start looking normal soon, here. What will that mean for me? Am I still likable? Will I ever get to have fun ever again?

For the first time ever, I'm missing wrestling. I know my heart isn't in it. But a part of me yearns for a wrestling school that could have just... catered more to me not exactly being a great athlete. or at least not make me take a body slam off the top rope when im not ready. mostly because i heard a podcast of two indie people i know. one used to be one of my teachers. Neither of them are anything outside of austin, but idk. it got me missing it. they were talking about how the business should cater more towards weird kids and get them in because theres just a vast font of creativity there. idk. i had a lot of good ideas. and a lot of anxiety that tells me everything i think, say, and do is terrible.

I desperately want to go to a party. but i also want to desperately burrow into the ground and never come out. what am i even feeling today? idek.


This weekend Shane was here. And we did a vast surplus of brewery hopping. Considering it seems my gastrointestinal tract cant handle beer very well, this mostly was an exercise in trying restraint, but my tummy hurting anyway. I did better Sunday than Saturday, anyway. Still, the whole thing was frustrating to me. Sitting around while they drink and I don't isn't exactly fun. I was a little cranky by Sunday.

We met Mike and Jay for tacos Friday, and that was nice though.

Sorry, I want to update, but I guess I don't know what to say. Thats what I've got going on for now I guess. Z and I have been playing a game called Haven, a coop game about a couple who crash on an abandoned planet while trying to avoid their arranged marriages. Its been occasionally buggy, but fun as a thing to do together.

I guess I haven't updated on the cats in a while. No news is good news, right? Snowball and Biggie occasionally clash, but she also groomed the tip of his tail once, so that is huge progress. The air mattress has been up while Shane was here, and that brought all the cats together. Its sad that it took Pepper passing for Snowball to chill out. She sleeps with me on occasion now. Not as much as she used to; she used to sleep with me every night. But its better than nothing. Biggie has been meowing at me constantly, but as soon as I downloaded meowtalk, he shut up and took a nap. lol

We leave for Oregon in a week. I am excited to take a vacation, but nervous because... pandemic. Still, we are vaccinated. Hard to shake this brain-space but there's also just so many unknowns about how long the vaccine lasts, can i spread it while vaccinated, can i get sick still while vaccinated??? No one seems to have good answers on this stuff yet.

Comments

[amp23]

i resonate hard with that first paragraph. i have changed. my priorities and boundaries have changed. i don't know where that fits in a larger social structure anymore. most of the hundreds of folks i wanted to consider friends and family have shown how one-sided those feelings were, and a number of surprisingly deep friends have been lost in the fallout of navigating the past year. it's fuckin hard. i see you, think you're cool, and would be into hanging out sometime. welcome out here any time to chill in some nature. i'm focusing my energy on the folks who have put some effort into being mindful and responsible going forward.

i miss a number of social activities that were same for me. disc golf. capoeira training. workdays on the farm. festivals. i dunno how much of any of it i'll get back into right now. i enjoyed catching up on your wrestling exploits and it sucks you were discouraged from it.

i hear you about the party. i miss groups of folks gathering and having fun and not worrying about every risk and exposure. hopefully these vaccines do what we hope they will.

[frenzy]

Youre just outside the city on the east side right? I've kept wanting to come out, but it always felt like it would be a trek? or weird? or idk! insecurities, man!

I betcha most of my friends i think i've lost may feel the same way. Its just easier to explore those feelings here first before i go on a half-baked post on facebook.

[amp23]

we're 5 miles past the COTA track. basically half an hour from 35 & 71, bout the same time to get anywhere else in austin, but i understand the idea. i had the same when i lived in austin and my parents were out here.

i'm weird so bein weird is ok. we have activities if that would make it less weird: disc golf, biking, nature walks. we got restful stuff like sittin by the pond chatting or enjoying the porch swing. we used to have regular potlucks but i dunno when that is resuming. most our stuff is outside lately.

[frandroid]

1) You can absolutely get sick while vaccinated
2) All approved vaccines in North America are really effective at preventing severe and deadly COVID.

So it's a bit like the flu today... Past immunity will prevent you from dying from COVID like happened past the initial flu pandemic of 1919.

[frenzy]

That makes sense, and also then makes sense how it can still spread even if vaccinated.

[sabotabby]

I hear you. I got a stupid idea that maybe when outdoor gatherings are allowed again, I can have people over to my backyard (this is something I would hate normally) but then...who would come? Maybe nobody. No one's going to risk arrest or illness to hang out with me because I'm sad.

[frenzy]

I would come. I imagine vaccinated folks wont have to risk too much just to hang out someday.

Things are still really stupid up there though. So, I imagine you still have a way to go before the majority of folks who want the vaccine can get it :\

[sabotabby]

Well, they finally opened AZ to 40+, so all my friends my age managed to get it, like, yesterday. We'll see how that goes.

It's so bad here, though. I feel guilty thinking about throwing even a small get-together.

[frenzy]

"It cant stay stupid forever" tm

Still, it feels like an eternity.