(no subject)

7 hours.

Last night after work I was crying a whole lot. We watched her last football game. It was bad lol. I was already depressed to I watched an AIDS documentary and cried some more. If you haven’t seen How to Survive a Plague it’s very good but also you know, the whole story sucks.

Cuddled in bed but placed her in her nest. I fell asleep at 130. Around 2:30 I woke up to Z crying that skittles had crawled into the bedroom again and was stuck in a corner. She looked so sad. She just wanted to sleep with us. I picked her up and put her on me. It’s our last night. I guess If she peed on me it wouldn’t matter anyway.

Z was just having a meltdown and I felt so bad I was so sleepy I did a terrible job consoling him. He just doesn’t want to say goodbye even though it’s the right thing. Then He was just up on his phone and I kept reminding him to just go to sleep. He did eventually sleep. I woke up around 4 am because I was rolling over and I knew I couldn’t with skittles on me. But she wasn’t there. She was back on her nest. I have no clue if Z put her there or if she just crawled.

I woke up at 730 which was good enough. Started cleaning up poop everywhere. I feel like especially in the last few days we’ve destroyed 100 forests with the amount of pee pads, paper towel, toilet paper, etc we have been through.

Morbidly, I’m relieved the nights are done. I kept worrying I’d find her dead. Which is fine like I’m about to put her to sleep anyway, but it’s still scary and sad. Having to figure out where she crawled off too is also heartbreaking because god she just wants to be with us. Waking up in the middle of the night worried just to check up on her. God. Tonight I might get more than 6 hours of sleep if I’m lucky. Or I’ll be so sad that I’ll just stay up crying.

I’m mad at myself for being relieved. I’m going to miss her like oxygen. She’s my light. She’s my everything. Her work is done but god oh god I will miss her. I will miss her. I will miss her.

I feel almost ok right now but I’m sure the weight will be back. The pain. The unbearable pain of saying goodbye to someone you love.

6 hours.

(no subject)

One. Hour.

Who knew such a tiny cat could have such a big personality. Who knew i could love a cat so intensely and she could love me back with the same fervor.

I don’t want to say bye. I have to say good bye. I hate this and it sucks.

(no subject)

She’s my everything. She guided me out of the dark to the light. I’ll never forget that. I’ll never forget her. She’s tired. She’s sleeping. I know it’s time. I’m so sad. I don’t want this.

(no subject)

She’s gone. Oddly. Having her body here to pet, even though her spirit is gone, is oddly comforting. More later.

(no subject)

Her body on the couch just looked like she was snoozing. Rigor mortis has set in and i cleaned her body and I moved her to a bed of flowers (on ice). It’s setting in how final this is. She’s gone. She’s not just sleeping. My lap feels so empty. My heart just hurts so bad. God everything sucks.

(no subject)

I don't think I've posted this many entries since I was, like, 16. Still, I used dw for what I use it for best, just a place to scream into the void.

I wanted to write how today went before I went to bed though.

I think I already wrote about this morning, right? Yeah, I did. After that entry, I just sat on the couch with Skittles. Z told me David and Marisol were coming by to say goodbye to Skittles. I should have known that but I completely forgot. Grief fog. I showered for the first time in a week. Marisol and David coming over and hanging out was nice. Conversation flowed naturally, and they could really empathize with the loss; they had lost two cats earlier this year (or maybe two years ago tops. i cant remember). They brought more Cane's for Skittles. She really wasn't into her cat food the last two days, but still into people food.

They were still here, but I went to the grocery store around 1. I had to get ice and flowers and a few other things. Everything in the store annoyed me. I couldnt converse with people. The bagger really liked my star shirt and was into astrology i guess? but i really just wanted to be like "astrology is bullshit and my cat is dying" but instead i told her i was a virgo [for the record i am a cancer] i dont even know why. Traffic was annoying and felt way more terrible than usual. I was so mad the second to the last hour with my cat and I had to get things.

Still, I got back, David and Marisol left, and we started getting the cooler and bed of flowers ready. Afterwards we had, like, 40 minutes to burn. Which is funny because I was so impatient in the store. Hurry up and wait, I guess. We looked at photos of her and just pet her and loved on her. It went so fast but it also felt like it dragged on. We gave her the one thing she loves but hasn't been able to have in years: string cheese.

The vet came as she was having an accident. but we were able to mostly clean it up. The vet was so, so so so kind and empathetic. She asked about what had been going on. And she assured us that it was absolutely time, and it was the "perfect time". I mean, there is no perfect time, but she's still here, she's still with it, but also, shes in pain, she cant move, she wishes she could move but cant. all her muscles were so atrophied. The vet also asked about how we got her, and her personality, things like that. She really did care. I couldn't recommend her enough.

It starts with a heavy sedative. She hissed with the needle poke but with more string cheese she decided the shot wasn't too bad. She clearly didnt mind. In, gods, what, 10 minutes, she was completely out with no reaction. The next part was the sad part where its the thing that kills her. We just pet her and told her we loved her and she could go and she did her job. she made the world such a better, brighter place. It worked so quick. I think almost after the injection I noticed her breathing was slow. A few minutes later, the vet checked her heartbeat and said she was at peace. Z and I both just wailed at that moment because its so sad.

The vet saw herself out.

Skittles was on the couch, on her heated blanket on a puppy pad. She just looked like she was napping, even though she wasn't breathing and her heart wasn't beating. It takes about an hour and a half for rigor mortis to set in, so we just kept her there on the couch snoozing. Blue came up to see her. Sniffed her, and then that was it. I think he knows. At this point, he almost seems to be having empathy fatigue himself. After Skittles died, he's been on his chair, or just in the bedroom by himself.

I went to get more ice. We didn't have enough. Traffic was terrible but it didnt matter anymore.

I got home, got more ice in the cooler, and then cleaned her body. She had chili in her fur from this morning. It was sweet and sad. I tried to clean it a little, but its kind of authentic lol. But we have her positioned and cleaned and then moved her to her flower bed.

it started to set in then. That she's not just napping on the couch. That she's gone. We have what is, essentially a bootleg oferenda for her with flowers, candles, and offerings of a chip, a french fry, a pepperoni.

Her body is so rigid. I was told to expect this, but I'm still impressed. Her body is so, so cold and that makes me sad. She hated being cold. It took a several hours to get this cold. Honestly it wasn't too cold till we got her on ice.

I posted online although I haven't had the, like, emotional capacity to reply. Maybe I will tomorrow. Or Sunday. I have, at least, replied to the texts and DMs. Hell, I haven't even replied to the comments here, which, y'all, thanks for the condolences and love. Its overwhelming. But I'm also just fragile and everything is so hard.

Now I've been jumpy. im like hyper hypervigilant. And then i'll get my bearings together, but then i'll start sobbing, then i'll pull myself together. ad infinitum.

Its lonely now. Its so lonely. We ate food and she didnt bother us. It was so sad.

I posted in the facebook group I am in for cat punks. She got so much, SO MUCH love. I hadn't posted her in years because she looked so haggard and just opted for Blue instead. He's away more handsome anyway, but, they loved her and they made a memorial picture and then I just cried some more just crying, crying, crying.

I cried when I had to put up her bowl of food and water. I still go over to her flower bed shrine thing and I pet her. She's cold, but I'm glad her body is still here. But I also know her spirit is... where is her spirit? Is it here trying to comfort us? Is it going to sleep with me tonight? Does nothing happen? I'm generally an atheist but doesn't it have to go somewhere?

I'm sure I'll write more tomorrow. Writing is the best outlet for me, especially right now. I really, really hope I finally get some okay sleep tonight. I dont care if its not even 8 hours. But 6 uninterrupted hours would be more than I've gotten all week.

At least I don't have to wake up worrying about her.

She's right here. Except she isn't.