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I've been so moody, so emotional, so terrible all fucking week. weeks? I dont know! I started therapy this afternoon and started crying so thats about what kind of day I am having I guess.

It may be change. Ive taken to reading my horoscope again. If y'all know me, you know I don't really believe in that stuff. But when I get insecure. Or change starts brewing and my anxiety goes wild, its something that makes me feel like I might could still be in control (im not)



Had the operations job interview on tuesday. It went well. But then they were talking about either doing live code review, or submitting my own code. I started panicking. Like crazy. I dont think I can do this? I dont really have my own code. I can review someone elses code. BUT IN AN INTERVIEW? UNDERPRESSURE???? Why do they think I'm a good candidate for this? I think I might have high balled myself? i dont know!! I dont know! What the fuck am I doing!?!?! I'm just stupid and im going to look so stupid.

Its good i did good on the interview. and its good Im in control. I can just not schedule the next interview. I can fucking ghost them if I want. but wtf wtf wtf wtf wtffff. i know i'll act like everything is fine but NOTHING IS FINE.


So that started my spiral. But then also there's been this weird FOMO I keep talking about. Now, its getting worse. I am obsessively checking instagram and just assuming everyone is having fun without me, everyone hates me, everyone else is going to shows and not inviting me, etc etc. Its gotten completely out of hand. I've been making sure people I love on insta are following me back, after seeing someone I really like in Chicago that doesnt and i was like, really hurt. i know them irl but we're not close but i thought maybe we were internet pals now. but ARRRGH I am not 17? why am i acting like I am 17???

This is absolutely the anxiety of going back into a social life "post-covid" ((i know thats not true, and i know we're just one delta variant away from being locked up again, but right now everyone's doing stuff)). Its like the floodgates have opened and so has all of my anxiety. I dont know.

And then Z really wants to buy a house even though the market is crazy rn. but he knows without anything, we're never going to get to retire. thats true. but what if i hate where we move? what if i am miserable? what if no matter what i am always miserable everywhere we are?

Its change and im anxious about change. but eventually the house will change, eventually the job will change, things will change. and itll be ok.

i want to see my friends. i want to do stuff with my friends. my close good friends. i dont know. i feel like i havent been prioritizing that really lately or something. or maybe i am just unstable and nothing is working. who knows.



completely unrelated, i finally saw raya and the last dragon. i absolutely hate the moral (trust your enemies, it doesnt matter that they hurt you if that wasn't their intention), and i hate that it feels like it was made by the DNC for how they feel about republicans. It was a pretty movie, but it was also a lot. It it had pared down what it was trying to be, i think it would have been better story-wise, but it wouldn't have fixed that awful moral.

I melted down in therapy. We talked a lot about what happened this past week, about grieving, and about having empathy for myself (and the capacity to have empathy for myself).

During therapy, i had my phone on, and on me. One, because Jay picked up a local stray, Roanoke, to bring home, and 2 because I was STILL waiting to hear from the shelter.

Finally I heard back, and Finally, Biggie and Pepper are here with me. Biggie is exploring. Pepper is hiding. Thats okay.

I feel better-ish. One, because therapy was pretty good and what I needed, and two, because, like, i'd been waiting and so nervous about this.

pepper might have thyroid issues. Shes 12. Thats okay. Its funny, Biggie, who is, like 17 lbs and 16 years old, does not have thyroid issues??? HOW!?!

Either way, I was going to get these cats no matter what. And I'm happy knowing that they are here and that they will be taken care of and loved.

Todd's sister will be giving me some of their stuff. So, thats nice. And I'll get some nice metal bowls from the store on, like, Saturday or something. Plastic is fine for a couple days.