(no subject)

not much to say this morning. i was sobbing that i just wanted more time with her. i wanted it to just not be happening. as if i could turn back time and just have things back to normal again but this is just the new normal. the new normal fucking sucks.

until Z gets home and we go aquamate her, i am just going to clean. or try to clean or whatever.

I'm pretty distracted and just not focusing very well. I hope work will be okay when I get back to work tomorrow.

My landlord, who is actually pretty cool for being, you know, the obvious, asked me today if I was over "everything with my little gal" which, i am certain he probably isn't neurotypical, but i wanted to be like, "its been 3 days. what the fuck" but instead I said I was still sad, but carrying on. He said he didn't want to worry about me, so I think he just wants to make sure I'm not falling into a deep depression, but it felt pretty weird. my beloved cat died 3 days ago and i wont be over crying for probably a fucking month. and even then it'll hurt forever.

hell, i cry over my first cat, from when I was 12, still. I still miss Kitty too. I'm not over Kitty's death anymore than I'll ever get over Skittles'.

Skittles' body is how it was yesterday so like decomposition is slow. Her skin just feels super weird. Her furry spots are okay still. Its still just so sad and I know this is the last day where I'm just consumed and focusing on grief (as im hoping work will be a distraction tomorrow) but god it hurts so bad and I'm so sad about it.

i still dont want to sweep but maybe ill clean out the computer cupboard. ugh. i dont want to do anything but i also dont want to just cry all day.

(no subject)

Her body is gone. Z got off work around 3 and we left around 330. The person there thought her bed of flowers was just so sweet. She loved orange kitties too. We got a private room where she was in a basket and we got to say our goodbyes. Its been a long letting go process, and I've been comforted by her body still being here, but its still a corpse. I'm just going to miss her so much. her whiskers, her face, her paws, she was just so perfect. We kept giving her pets. i kept giving "one last pet" but the idea that it was the last time I'd ever touch her body was so sad. i kept just having to say bye and walk away. I did give her little forehead a kiss even though thats pretty weird.

We walked out and the person there said she loved what we had done for her, that we had had a wake and everything. She thought it was just so sweet and we talked about how great orange kitties are. We left and I saw her covering her body in the blanket, scooping her up, adn taking her back and I just sobbed and sobbed. I know her spirit is gone, but that body represents her, and I'm just sad that I won't see her body every again like that. I'll never pet her ever again and its so fucking sad.

I'll never have to fight for my food, or get woken up by her yowling for attention. God I just miss her. She was my everything. I miss her so bad.

Sadly, it is the "busy season" (winter is so unkind!) so it'll be about a week till I have her back.

Until then, Skittles food offerings have gone to the possums, and christmas has replaced her altar. Ugh.

the house smells vaguely of death, but id been burning this one candle the whole time and it also reminds me of death so i guess I'm burning a different candle.

I cleaned out my electronics cupboard so idk i got something done on my day off.

I guess now its adjusting to life without her. and then probably breaking down when I get her body back.

Oh and remember the fireflies remark? someone had said skittles was chasing fireflies online in a facebook group im in and it touched me deeply because the idea of her legs working again was just so good and pure. Well, the art print I have of Lil Bub on Luna moths also has her chasing fireflies. Its perfect for her and for Skittles. I need to get it framed.

I just miss and love Skittles so much.