(no subject)

Yesterday went okay.

Yesterday I went to silks. I felt so weak and shaking. I'm glad I went. It feels good to move around. but i also just felt very weak. Afterwards, i got a bubble tea and got my hair cut.

My hair is now a side shave, which I like, I got more bangs, and my hair is now orange with red roots. It looks great. my hair isnt used to parting on the side again, so sometimes it flops back down but thats ok.

I came home and I was so relieved. I have been incredibly anxious about Skittles' body while I'm not at home. I cleaned and then people came over for the wake thing.

It was informal. It was weird, but it was nice to not be alone and nice to be around people who wanted to talk about how great she was. Sabrina was the only one who, like, wanted(?) to touch her which was sweet and we both sobbed a lot. She loved her. We all did. Its just so sad.

Its starting to set in that shes gone. Her body has a slight smell of, oddly enough, fucking french fries. I thought I saw her out of the corner of my eye last night. It was so sad. Just so incredibly sad.

Ill sob, i'll stop, ill sob again. my eyes are so dry. Poor Z wears contacts and idek how he does it.

We still keep thinking about her last night, how she was stuck in that corner. how she didnt meow but all she wanted was to be by us that she'd painfully scoot her way here. god its so sad. such a sad memory. I miss her. I wish I could still find her and scoop her up and put her on my lap. I just miss her so badly.

Debbie is coming by to say bye to skittles today. otherwise i think i'm just cleaning and maybe running 1 errand (id like xmas lights for tree we got and then promptly forgot about because skittles was doing so poorly)

Ok, I'm going to get dressed and get more ice. my heart is already aching today. I just miss her so badly.

(no subject)

Debbie coming over went well. It was so nice and she’s more spiritual than me but it was very comforting. She was so sweet and finally brought gloves so she could pet skittles (she’s allergic). She pet Blue too.

Blueberry slept with us last night which was a first. I was just wishing he would because I miss skittles sleeping with me.

Debbie and I were chatting about other things and I wondered where skittles was. It was the first time I’d thought this. I just cried and cried. I know this will be a common thing, sadly.

When I pet her body I keep thinking she’s going to look up at me and be mad that I woke her up to pet her. But she still is just there sleeping.

Man. It’s just sad. I think after the packers game I’ll go to run a few errands and then go to the brewery. Elijah is supposed to be there so that would be nice.

Everything hurts. My heart just hurts. Football without Skittles sucks. I just miss her.

Thanks for being the place I can get all this out.

(no subject)

Her eyes are starting to be ... gooey and a little gross. Her skin also feels weird in spots. I would have honestly been happier to give her body today but Z and I obviously wanted to go together. Hopefully it won’t get too gross or weird in the next 24 hours. 😬

(no subject)

I’m living with a corpse.

I mean. Of course I knew that. But just 24 hours ago it seemed like she was just sleeping and would get up at any moment.

Her eyes are a little open and now they are sunken in. Her skin is a little... weird feeling. Which even makes her fur weird.

I mean this is a part of the slow letting go. Her body is here and it’s hers but it can’t stay here forever.

Still I find myself bargaining. I just wish even if her spirit is gone that her body could stay so I could pet it. But bodies don’t stay without spirits (with exception of course) and it’s just a part of accepting what’s really happening here.

Hanging out with Elijah was otherwise nice. Errands were fine. Got my holiday lights for the tree and I got new slippers since the bottoms of mine had completely worn through. They were like only 2 years old. I gotta stop wearing my slippers outside to take the trash out I guess.

I’m so sad. I think I’ll also be ready to stop watching over her body tomorrow. Don’t get me wrong. I’m going to freak out. But taking care of it, while not as hard as last week, still requires a lot from me. And looking at her now is more sad than comforting. So I can let go of her corporeal form.

I just miss her. She was incredible. How lucky we were to have her in our life. What an exceptional cat. What a very very good kitty. She was the best.